You Can Do It

I have a lot to do today. It's scary and overwhelming. I don't want to mess up and there are too many things and I want them out of the way quickly but I know that can't happen; they're going to take time. So I'd rather not look at them. I'd rather read a blog, and write a blog post, or scroll through social media (except you just got rid of that, so I can't).

Dad's truck will never roll down your driveway; he doesn't even live in the same state as you. He's not coming home tonight to yell at you, or hit you, for not doing it all, or for doing it wrongly. Mom isn't going to come into your room and see that you're writing this blog post instead of doing the tasks, and tell you no more blogging, or hit you. She, also, doesn't live in the same state as you.

You don't actually have to do these tasks. You get to choose how you spend your time; being unproductive isn't wrong or a sin. Tell me what you actually want. What you want is important to me, and you're allowed to value it. It matters.

Tell me what you feel, in your tummy, in your hands, in your head, in your chest.

I feel scared. I feel like I've already let everyone down, and I want to fix it all right now, but I also want to never touch anything difficult ever again. My tummy is knotted, my throat too. My head is aimless. My heart is pounding.

And what do you want?

I want to have done something right. I want to be a part of why the world gets better; I'm tired of everything being so hard. I want to be someone else.

Who?

I want to be someone who gets stuff done because I want it to get done. I want to be a problem solver. Practical, not caught up in tasks for their own sake, but focused on a goal. Like my brother. But I want to do it right, not like my brother.

What else do you want this "someone else" to be like?

I want her to be empathetic, and intuitive, and honest, and courageous. When I was younger, I picked who to be. But now I can't do that. Who I am is stuck; I can't move her.

Why?

Because I keep messing up. I keep not being her. I keep being a procrastinator, lazy, instant-gratification-obsessed. I'm doing it now, by talking to you instead of working. This just makes me feel productive, like I'm "dealing with my shit." But I'm not. I always do this.

Okay. Do you want me to help you?

Please.

Tell me one task you need to do. Just one. No lists.

[Censored]

Okay. Let's start that task.

But there are so many others. It'll never all be done.

Who did you say you want to be?

Someone practical.

Is it practical to worry about all the tasks? What would Practical Abby do?

The one task.

It's okay if you mess it up. You still have permission to try, to start. I think you are practical, and productive, and a problem solver. I think you don't put up with nonsense, and you're ready to get something done. I've seen that person in you before; she's there. You can be her. We'll do it together; I'll be here if you get stuck.